henrik is a fuckin idiot - worst blog ever

05.05.2010
i've given up on this in the meantime. check my facebook if youre remotely interested in this crap.

14.02.2010
i know i'm a drama queen, but my latest one is really worth readin. thursday afternoon: diarrhoe. thursday evening: d+ vomitting. thu night: i'm even vomitting out pure water, cause my stomach couldnt even stand water anymore as it seems.
friday i got that guy from the band respektlos fetching his bands video footage from me. i told him to use my comp cause i had to stay in bed. at first i was freezing and tired but still myself. later the fever took control. i felt like one of the naavi in avatar, like god connected to the universe. being god can be cool, but not with 39 fever at the same time. i understood the entire universe, but i was bored and extremely depressed. and scared. i was in bed crying, and the guy still sat next to me copying the files. my time sense collapsed and to me it seemed like he sat next to me for 2 days while it was 4 hours. i couldnt tell him what i saw cause it was too scary, it was like seeing he'd die, i couldnt call my girlfriend cause being god didnt mean i could save her. neither myself, the headache indicated that my body was dying. maybe that whole thing was what death is like.
after all i was able to fall asleep. i still wonder what the guy thought about the things i said somewhere within my fever madness. theres one sentence i said half-consciously that i still remember, that was 'I DID NOT DO ANY DRUGS GODDAMNIT'. thats true, i didnt. but when i said it, i felt like it was just a way of tryin to hide the fact that i had seen the real nature of the universe. gimme drugs over that fever trip any day. it was the most scary time i've ever had. like consciously dying. really.
i'm back to normal now. dont give me the flu ever again. i dont wanna be THAT insane again.

07.02.2010
new decade, new level? it didnt start any cool. i was so frozen that i couldnt think an entire sentence anymore, just stutter and fail. it got so bad that i went to hospital on jan 3rd. being there immediately got the blockage outta my mind, first week was excellent. you go to hospital cause you have a problem, and as soon as you arrive, its gone. damn. it would be back of course, but the first week felt like wasted time. soon i got my laptop over there so i had a bit of things to do. it doesnt have internet connection and just a 30gb buildt in hd, and just an usb1-connector, so i couldnt do videos, but i could write. at arrival of the new decade i revived the fla dvd book project and rewrote that script i had begun to write in 2006. the old version was really too long. i covered years 2002-2007 until they told me to stop using the laptop for the sake of hospital policies. will continue writing that thing soon.
i noticed how relaxed i have become in dealing with other people. i had been in the same hospital 7 years ago and hardly talked to anyone, this time i was a lot chattier and relaxed about it. a week after my arrival the station got a new inhabitant, female, 32 years old, borderliner, who got me interested immediately. however i felt like her communicative nature was too different from my own, so i reduced my interest cause i wasnt interested in another hopeless one-sided development of feelings for someone who wasnt interested. regardless both of us ended up spending quite a bit of time together and didnt get on each others nerves (there was quite a few other inhabitants who did).
on monday 25th, both of us had been pretty stressed up by our situations, we had a few minutes alone at 11pm, she suddenly faced me and suggested we should talk about the two of us. i was slightly surprised. i said that i had been interested indeed, but had put my interest aside cause i wanted to avoid making my standard mistake over again. she seemed disappointed, so i said that this wouldnt mean that i'm not interested. she said 'okay, but... i'm sorry, i need to lay down, my blood pressure's been low all day...' and she collapsed. i was really confused, and she couldnt talk any futher and had to be brought to bed. next morning she felt better again, and for the rest of the week i wasnt that depressed anymore :)
it came out of nowhere, but maybe thats why it worked. she likes my silent approach to things, i like that she's so communicative. its difficult of course, but what can i say, i'm not used to being in a relationship. and it doesnt seem to be a short affair, both of us want it to last. i have to deal with other things than loneliness now. so whatever it is, i'm happy to go thru it with some holding my hand. the change from 1999 to 2000 had me quit school and descent into freedom and depression, this one starts a little different. she's a dream coming true. as simple as that.

31.12.2009
december wasnt as best as it gets. got into the familiar dynamics of developing feelings for a chick too early, then realized how it didnt really work that way and new years was another major depression event. xmas was alright, no arguing this time around. spent my 30th birthday in bed with 38 celsius fever. the whole month was about crossing the 30 years mark and looking at my life. i spend half of my time in that 'deactivated' mood and i totally enjoy being unable to do anything but reading and watching tv. anyways, i worked on the shirayas dream video, alien pop as they call it themselves. finished the last fla mera luna reprogramming, i agree that the cut frequency is high, but its got a lot of fx programing to compensate it. got the new audio mix from bernd, so the entire thing was done before the decade was over, minus the roadrunner permission and millennium video. like i said, end of the month, year, decade had me all dimmed down again.

30.11.2009
alrighty then... another downtime over the last week, and that time there was no reason for it, no bad events or anything. made the superb decision NOT to buy any dope this time, and i guess that was soo bright that it cut the downtime down to half the downtime, like 5 days instead of 10. sensational. and then for the weekend i had to film another show and got outta it again. and bounced into insomnia. unable to sleep more than 4 hours on friday, then went to fetch the cams and then spontaneously went to meet friends in a bar. then got home and same thing, went to bed at 5am, couldnt sleep til 12am, slept til 4pm and had to get up for the recording. oi punk this time, actually the first punk show i did so far. great light show in the skandal club, one band was disapointed by themselves and most people went outside, the other 2 had a lot of audience action. handclaps were rare although people enjoyed it nonetheless, but thats kinda normal for shows like this. went home feelinmg like i'd fall into bed rightaway, but a while into capturing footage to computer i wasnt able to sleep anymore, so i stayed up until 18 and had transferred the entire night (9 hours) onto the comp. then finally got my 15 hours of dreaming. did a really self-pleasing rework of the fla mera luna first track before that, one really accomplished. heard that my dot club policecharge ended in cancellation because the violence done to me could be justified in a silly way, but so what, we're just takin it onto the lawyer route now. stupid though, waste of time this way, ah nvm. the end result is what matters. another jogging round today, damn, 15 hours dont make me less tired, struggled with more video work today but got some done. november was a good month.

18.11.2009
forgetting about this blog here and there, right? anyways, what happened... the girl passed on the date, which got me frustrated and doin dope again, makin it worse, gettin into a downtime as usual. BUT i got that new jogging device installed, and when i got back from the zero, i took my anger into action like a healthy person would, and organized and worked like a machine again. jogging about twice a week now and walking outside at least for a few minutes every day. as for video work finished the outreech 1 hour video, filmed 2 different k17 shows with friends, updated and sold the placenta vid, did 3 clips from the wort+klang festival from september, now producing the full shirayas dream gig, bought new 1,5TB HD, exchanged it cuz it was semi-functional, had a session with bernd to get the fla stuff together, uploaded a bunch of fla tv clips to the fla channel, upped the faust again vids to my channel and some others, got the usual predictable flak for the 2 fla berlin clips on that mp forum, reworked the mera luna show once more, got the fla epitaph clip in high quality, revived the fla videoclips for THIS dvd instead of pushing them to a possible next one (really stupid idea), organized advance cash from notanee, requested the millennium clip from roadrunner... now working on the good oldest prophecy video which is used as 'backing footage' of prophecy from the berlin show... paid a few old bills, asked sonic seducer about the die krupps mera luna 06 show and need to pay more bills for that, but got enough stuff scheduled to cover everything when all the work is done and sold.
so the remaining 2009 will see me finishing 2-4 more small band live shows and the fla main dvd, which will be sent out early december cause this time things arent fucked up anymore, in early 2010 i'll quickly get the fla bonus dvd rest revamped if its not done already, then i'll launch the die krupps work to have a good replacement for that fla thing and buy 2 other shows next year... and film another big band if it works. and the other plan is to go for an internship at a big video company in berlin, focusing on 3D software and extending my video skills. gonna be interesting. need to buy a good new cam around xmas so i have my own full setup and can pull off more. good times done, good times ahead, and if my next downtime passes without buying dope i'm really on the way i wanted to be on during all those dark years before this one. alrighty then.

15.10.2009
weird but really good time. biked thru the city yesterday, jogged 5km today, slept 4 hours this night, will film tomorrow, will meet the girl on saturday. whats all that sports? why does it work so well and why didnt i do that earlier? also programming new levels of superskills into the outreech kato and placenta videos, every real beat gets underlined by a cut or effect, and the fx versatility isnt low. and that forum battle, the gothic berlin admin and me are superb friends, and saying that he owns the forum and can judge people the way he wants, and sue me if i dont stay out if he kicks me based on false assumptions... i've always been convinced of shutting up and acting stupid on command and accepting that other people judge me while keeping me from judging them, so much about this new argument that got him saying he will sue me. i dont really care, keep your hands clean if you wanna sue someone, and he hasnt done that at all. anyways, i got a life now, its just that i wont shut up about bullshit, and i'll never learn to do so.

11.10.2009
lets see... social dems lost the main election bigtime and are losing more and more sense. now 2 federal state coalitions that couldve gone left are going center or green-rightwing, and most disappointing for me, peer steinbrück has quit. this guy was solid metal, brutal staight talk, and always good fun http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8kkGviGU7zU
as for myself, proceeding slowly as usual. today was worth mentioning again cause yesterday i got told no by my girl of interest, and i already knew the answer before getting it. therefor i got so angry that i went out jogging 7 kilometers today. she had a 10km competition earlier today, so being totally untrained i am not sad about the approx 90min it took me. if a relationship requires kicking myself in the ass like this, and feeling great afterwards, then wheres the damn problem.
as for videos, claw woodstock is not gonna happen for me, but the small band stuff isnt running that bad. apart from the lazy days in between i wouldnt say 2009 was anywhere near bad, especially if i look at anything before this year. recorded 39 bands so far, and the level of success is higher than with pro bands. of course the payment isnt as high, but hey, its become fucking clear that i need to get a real job next year. not because i suck at what i do, but because there isnt much money in music nowadays. thats not my fault.

15.08.2009
5th season of lost sucked ballz. got tired of blogging this diary type o stuff, or maybe there wasnt anything worth mentioning. did a sullen eyes sore clip and asked the band for extra footage, on own behalf i added some cute kittens to that brutal metal live footage. result: band sees video and says KITTENS OUT. i guessed they would say that, but just getting a mail like that was worth it:)

03.08.2009
claws played woodstock, bought dope afterwards and re-programmed are you man enough from the tv stream. this is what my videos should always look like. now gimme that footage and nothing will ever be the same again. hyped as usual, but wtf.

30.07.2009
watching +3 episodes of lost every day, cutting a vid somewhere in between. henrik = drug addict forever. faust again was a mission of honour that is now fulfilled for 5 cds worth of payment. done because i was into the band. in the distance i see the danger of a future where i have to make a living from this. as much as i enjoy it, this isnt the end of the journey. saw harry potter 6 2 days ago, met friends i havent seen for 6 years yesterday. events from 6 years ago return to my mind. this is my own duel of the fates. he didnt pay attention to almost killing me 6 years ago. i'm aware of everything today. i wont let it happen again. PROCEED WITH CAUTION.

22.07.2009
outreech march done. next is placenta from dot club aaaand believe it or not front line assembly berlin 2007 for the fla wd bonus disc. the nightmare show with the garbage equipment and first self organized supermessy multicam recordings, but with good audio and years of production skills available now. blame glen reely and the evil 'schedule infinity' of the doom that is this debut project. its still gettin better. worthier. closer to the surface.

19.07.2009
outreech show from march and faust again show from may, 2 biggies that desperately need to get finished and cleared for more hd space. watching lost all day long, but still fx'ed 2 tracks today. next week all 3 should be archieved. along that it bugs me more and more each day to get a real job, but how about i get woodstock clearance already...

17.07.2009
another show filmed, outreech record release party. after archieving that i wasnt really in a burnout but couldnt resist gettin dope in, so after consumption i am now in the burnout. its when you see things coming and let them happen regardless of knowing better. so this week hasnt seen much of any results. still fucking around with the outreech show from march, about time for gettin that outta way, but applying studio audio to live performance is something i fuckin hate. been reading the billy corgan confessions blog, its good for insight on the guy. looks like todays gonna be another too long day, goin to bed at noon never works and its fucking hot.

05.07.2009
just when i said that 2/2009 doesnt seem to become a nightmare, it doesnt become one. its difficult as usual, but this weekend definitely changed my relationship life. i dont wanna hype the positive aspects of a difficult situation, but i dont think that in regards to earlier experiences theres anything to complain about either. so much about my public blog and an issue thats not just henriks business. but hey, i dont think i'm hyped beyond reality, i'm sceptical yet positive, and i enjoyed what happened. a beautiful dream, with both of us being awake, and now we figure where we go from here. its alright, its just as crazy as it should be, cuz its real. oh yeah, proceeding with 3 or 4 video projects at once in the meantime, but thats not what matters...

01.07.2008
i hate days like this, watching time pass, overnighted, too early and too hot to sleep now, wanna go buy dope but dont wanna be doped up again. in the middle of that i enjoy the fact that the last few days saw me finish about 3 tracks or edits a day, with 3,5 of the magnet club band sets done, meanwhile the outreech show from march is becoming a very programmed effort that will be underpaid anyways, but is done for the sake of it. well then, first half of 2009 done and 28 bands recorded. the previous 2 years and all their damage are in the cure, this time there are some real steps foward, and it doesnt seem like the second half of 09 will be a nightmare like 2/2008. depression down to one week per month. good momentum for a life like this.

28.06.2009
another concert night filmed, golden apes, neon dream, the cold, in the kato on friday night. funniest moment was me missing the last bands set start, then hastily running to the drumcam between the songs, and almost landing on my nose on the way back, i heard the audience laughing. one of the headliners die hard fans did a lot of good posing, even better than the band. gettin into a little trouble with all the half finished projects and my hd space filled, but every project is done at some point, and we're not talking fla dvd times here. feelin a bit ill atm, but not depressed, just tired.

25.06.2009
forget metal fuckin camp, fuck wacken, i'll probably film another festival this year, and its got more visitors than wacken even. the polish woodstock charity festival. featuring clawfinger. 300.000 people in the audience. if this comes true, i'll start believing in god or smething. and it looks good for that. becoming true i mean. heaven is out there, really. and that after metalcamp. after the dot club sabotage. life makes sense again.

24.06.2009
war reigns the galaxy. looks like they want to sue the hell outta me. go ahead, so will i. it encourages me that my opponent doesnt reply a single word on the 10% henrik footage. if he ignores my key point, and the judge wont, he will have to wake up. seems that they want to use methods like putting my after-work drug consumption into spotlight. its okay, i make no secret outta that, i mightve done some dope there. after work, so fuckin what. and my footage is still unusable garbage that ruined many of their dvd projects, which is very believable after it was used so massively in ministrys vid. my opinion is that this narcisstic person just cannot cope with a revolutionary genius like me. i spit into his ugly face. but he spit first. ahmadinejad is still in office. justice has not yet been done. i wont kneel down. i've done a good job. where is my vote.

21.06.2009
awoke from the depression this morning on downloading the ministry dvd with metalcamp footage on that just came out. there is a huge amount of henrik footage on it, and thats the opposite of what they said it would be. we're talking about almost 10% on the metalcamp tracks. almost 1/6 of the footage in 'no w' is MY WORK. my unpaid work? justice has not yet been done. bring justice.

14.06.2009
4 new tracks in the last 2 days. really difficult. there is no message.

08.06.2009
half depressed weekend done. need to be strong not to buy any dope in times like these. the guys from the dot club sabotage crew let me know that i better abort that charge against them so i dont get beat up. because soo nobody would figure who'd be behind it. underline a small crime by a bigger one, go for it. i just wonder why i ever worked with those psychos. i'll stick to it.
social democrats all trashed in europe. because in times like these we need more conservative neo-liberalism, cuz who would want change from the system that brought us the financial crisis? europe = idiots. i'm tired. should sell out more.

02.06.2009
mega day. loads of emails, coordination, and a bit of faust editing. all bounce footage online, denoising. 2 more faust tracks coming together. lots of internet spamming. watching german tv series 'elvis und der kommissar' cause its got that cuuute little dog. next to producing brutal heavy metal videos. found one batch of lost bounce recordings, tracing the last tape missing. and all that is just the surface of a brilliant overnighted workaholic day, now i'm drowning in euphoria on seeing all these possibilities and things archieved. this life is worth it.

31.05.2009
bounce night recorded. digitizing footage now. 5 bands on 3 cams and soundboard. another multi amateur band night successfully captured. just begun adding stuff about all those amateur band recordings and productions to the site. its weird that i didnt do this before, but there was a mental block in the way i suppose, and the website had been going outta focus lately. but here it is, and its a lot. 25 bands to add, becomes a lot if i try to recap it now. but this is what i'm doing in 2009. 25 bands that i'll mention just like i mention the big projects. more normality. and a postproduction schedule bigger than the devil.
isnt it all funny? i try to make big official dvds for big industrial bands and for years i archieve slow progress and no final results. and then i go back to the amateur band roots and i get munstah videos done that live up to the big ones within the first 2 editing sessions. now the cool thing is what will happen when i produce the next big band. i see claw woodstock as a good next one, and same about krupps 97. this is the career i wanted. and i dont need a manager. especially not a narcisstic psycho saboteur.

29.05.2009
faust again vid succeeded. "This looks GREAT!! It's soooo fucking pity we played only with one guitar." indeed, this is the problem about perfection, it never occurs. but what can you do? will continue with this show, theres a real menacing amount of work on the table now. i should just get some dope and fuhgeddaboutit, dont you think? seems like i'll film one of the dot club bands, arise, again on sunday, cause their singer is the wife of the outreech drummer. small world. however i wouldnt mind doing some more big bands, clawfinger is ready for sendtoband, dkm should be gone anyways. too much too much.

27.05.2009
first faust again song almost done. everything makes sense again.

26.05.2009
woohoo, and 2 weeks after that traumatic recording night the depression is over again. went to the police today to finalize charge against 'the narcist'. looks good, i guess my damage will be recovered well enough thru this. so much about maroon. the support bands video work is begun. its funny how i'll get to clawfinger level immediately when getting clawfinger itself to it took me 1,5 years. i wonder if i'll be involved in the woodstock video though, people are always hard to understand in silence.

10.05.2009
After RGKP and Metalcamp, Henrik once again, like once in every year, went to war. Stay tuned on a story of traitorship, sabotage, violence, and recording 5+1 bands somewhere in between. Just when you thought you've seen it all, the waves start crashing higher. But I'm Henrik. I'm honest. I don't cheat. And when people do bad things to me, I'll have my revenge. Stay tuned, as the clouds have just coloured red before the next sunrise. If this is war, I'm ready to fight. I've won it before. I know my rights.

07.05.2009
a bit nervous today. day night rhythm messed up. show comin up and a tide of events and effects makin me surf. another enchanting conversation about the relationship thing. it makes sense if i listen to the others, which i havent really done much in the past, especially since there werent many people to listen to. and me being clueless and focusing on superficial values. woohoo i'm aware of it now. things arent getting worse.

05.05.2009
maroon preparations. 9 cams possible and all bands multitracked. another amateur band set half finished, while the not yet arrived audio of 5 bands sets makes my harddisc boost cause all space is filled and nothing can be finished and removed so far. goin thru the hopefully last big clawfinger correction, got claw dropkick and fla ALMOST ready to leave the house, its fuckin retarded like this. but still, 2009 is the year when projects are getting done.

30.04.2009
last claw track done, now theres just minor things left. and no major re-edit. colour correction, small zoom reduction, out. then theres maroon plus support bands comin up in a week. mess resolved. things are okay again. in relationship regards i had an interesting conversation today, one aspect of it is that i feel interest for ladies who arent able to have stable relationships anyways, who jump from affair to affair. maybe this doesnt make sense at all and i wasnt aware of it? or i am aware until i develop feelings for the wrong person again.

27.04.2009
another claw done, means one left. and another relatively small entire workthru cause the zooms still suck too much. one track dk entirely rough cut. apart from that its not easy goin. sceptical about many upcoming things. fighting against the next wave of depression. i dont think i'll get to anything much better than what i have here. this troubled status. its gonna get better, but it will always be difficult.

21.04.2009
gettin outta the downtime again and 14 minutes of krupps are rough cut. so is that new del clip, the old angelicus cut was way overdue garbage can. so here is a 10 track whatever project and its easy goin so far. who needs to re-edit 3 times when you can do it in 2? why start dk when all of the others arent done either? none again. however it was time to rethink and here's a result. painted out. in other news how about i get my feelings back? its all deactivated now after last week. with a black field upfront titled 'other people'. why am i best at work when i dont have to deal with anyone?

16.04.2009
whats wrong again? i'm frozen as much as i used to be in the dope days. making difficult decisions results in hang ups. like a machine given 2 opposing commands at once, my body shivers, unable to move forard or back, trying to do both. all of this was gone when i quit dope. its been fantastic and surprisingly good, i felt like re-invented for a while, passed thru things and got loads of work done. its all dead again for a week. the last bunch of relationship trouble got me into questioning if my life is still worth it, basically the logical answer is no. result is that situation here, i'm looping between giving up and continuing and hanging up over it. watching tv cause activity is impossible. why has this come back?

14.04.2009
terminated my membership at the goth berlin forum. theres no well being when most relationships develop into hate. so were mine towards 120% of the julia crew and towards the admin. getting a red light warning for calling the guy 'homer simpson' rang me a bell. i've had experiences with admins before, but getting banned from mindphaser was for worse things done by me than that to be honest. anyways, my mind was blackened for the last few days. icq-conversation with the idiot whose now dating my last girl of interest? wasnt as dramatic as it may seem cause my feelings had died before that, but my disappointment about her real personality - fuck those 'i was drunk and couldnt remember' apologies, all of them - put some weight on my mind. not as much as the look in the mirror. i do fight my relationship inability, its just that i dont seem to archieve anything. i do fight for making a living from those retarded arts, its just that i dont seem to archieve anything. now look at life, isnt that all about love and career? maybe i'm just seeing all the negative aspects now, but sometimes i wonder if there just arent many positive ones. this weekend showed pretty well that i havent archieved to get away from my damaged childhood, i'm still the loser. leaving the forum was just a sidenote to all of that. just quitting another ugly addiction of spending time with people i hate. whats next though? will this repeat on the next occasion? thats what really bothers me.

12.04.2009
i hate weekends. meeting with friends on friday, then getting depressed from it on saturday, and thats where we are now. no newspapers been up this month so far, but the job is low-paid, and it seems like every job is. makin money with music or music videos isnt a bit better. everybody is hurt cause you step on their feet. but then where dyou go instead? will i make a living? looking around it all seems like slavery.

09.04.2009
hmm, whatever happened to my emails to the dropkick murphies, i figure something went wrong in cyberspace or in the mgmt, however i do have contact now, will send the 1.0 to them soon, whatever. i dont think its gonna lead me nowhere, thats what matters. also did more claw with 2 songs left undone and a few minor things. and outreech is half finished. as for the relationship department, omg i'm talkin about it now, looks like not doing so was just part of the mistake. i dunno, its usual that none of both parties treat each other in the same amount and form of respect... i'm not really decided about it but last one wasnt a no-learning experience. whats next?

05.04.2009
continuation of previous reflection. next to just being tired of it... well was i gonna say anything here, or will i conclude this by pointing out that i'm neither powerful enough nor interested in even writing anything now? today was another nothing day, free of activity apart from watching tscc and star wars episodes. derek reese is dead. my thoughts of yesterdays events are still frustrating, my introvertism feels like autism, i want a life, being a prisoner without it. this is what i've hated about myself for the last 25 years.

04.04.2009
seems like my latest unsucessful attempt to buildt up a love relationship has finally confirmed its nature. i'm too introverted. i think too much and dont talk enough. and the lady deals with alcohol addiction. i'm off the dope but i'm not taking anyone by the hand to lead the way, i just present myself. and i'm relatively speechless at watching her dealing with assholes all the time. i dont appreciate what i see, but i didnt seem to stand up and speak out my critical thoughts up to here. i know whats right. i'm just too goddamn shy to tell anyone. and that being my deficit i seem to look for ladies who are more offensive i suppose. its not completely wrong i guess, but as it seems its never enough for a functioning relationship? dont tell me i always fall in love with the wrong girls. i got a structural deficit going on somewhere anyways, regardless of the actual character i'm failing to deal with. fuck it all.

03.04.2009
just done with the wittgenstein video, ready to render it. considering the devastating outlook of the footage, this needed a genius like me to get any good. once again my filming is way too chaotic and messy, but then everybody else films steady, so its good for the variation between the footages. also going foward on the roax battlefront. its the same thing, they have 15 cams, one filmed in my crazy way, most of the others steady. it requires thinking mans editing to deal with what i do. i wonder if they have anyone doing that. its not garbage. listening to some of my old songs again thinkin i should have released them, thinkin once again that i should take a month off and get an assistant to finish one goddamn album from that stuff. but no, too busy with whatever else. now that the time and power is there i know that i can assemble this, but i mean wtf...

30.03.2009
weekend was garbage. after 10 days of a big newspaper tour things didnt get back to a relaxed state of mind. i hope this week is free though. working thru another amateur band (wittgenstein) set and copying footage for a bunch of newbies. alongside i'm applying for woodstock festival this year and trying to get some band to play there too... and getting finished on the clawfinger video with less and less left to do as usual and more progress in less time than ever, 4 songs unthreated and 2 more overal workthrus. and working on a court case to get some money for my work at metalcamp festival last july with that fucking conservative idiot company. there arent any bridges left to burn, he wants this war so he gets it.

28.03.2009
exhausted. couple days off from work, and all depressed in a non medical way. finding a soundman for the murphys thing is more impossible than flyin to the moon as it seems. and i dont feel like i mean anything to anyone. some days you wake up and already know that nothing will be major fun today, and then you get that indeed. but theres no exit, just a garbage can ahead. its not like you can fight yourself outta everything. time must pass, a night must be slept before life will make sense again.

22.03.2009
jeez, didnt update this for 3 weeks... dropkick video is done, still messing with new sound personnel so without the audio processed it won't go out. did those 7 amateur sets, finished now and waiting for submission. filmed another amateur band night thats waiting to be done, did a coppelius interview yesterday... thats soo much new stuff that the claw show needs to be back up next before the next buncha mini-projects go for it. glen found some additional meraluna audio he recorded by himself, good for corndog cause a bit of his stuff wasnt multitracked properly. and got one entire free week at newspapers but had a big tour afterwards where i wanted to kill the precedessor for his fucked up tour book, ended up doing corrections to his book so he will have his gabage book turned excellent when he's back. and of course i experienced another disappointment in the 'she loves me not' department, but has it ever been anything else than that?

01.03.2009
dropkick 10 songs left of the finish line. regardless of doin paperz i'm doin vids every day now. double tour today. and filmed 7 amateur bands in the weisse rose yesterday nite. real overload of work, but i somehow seized it, with less than a multitude of problems. but filming alone and coordinating other cams and audio gear is a bit too much at once. what else? nothing but work, no private life right now but it gives some results this way, plus i have enough money to pay to other people so here's the way to get it done quickly.

24.02.2009
dropkick murphys is it. got bored of zak tell again. doing the corrections on the dkm one quickly, one song one day, applied my new soundman thomas boelker for remastering the cam-audio on it, promised the band to deliver it before 04.04.2009. the work left is already melting down.
had some good fun over the weekend, hung out at a friends place, watching cabaret, talkin music and all that. saturday nite was the same with more people. newspapers early sunday was argh, way out in a snowstorm, way home in the meltdown of it, my shoes were full of water. got some new mini jobs for filming liveshows in sight, its weird how all those connections fit together from out of nowhere. unemployment wont last forever with a life like this.

19.02.2008
action action action. uploaded the fla meraluna audio for glen reely, who's gonna do a massive job quickly and sticks to being awesome. applied for cameraman jobs at mera luna and wgt 2009. proceeded with dropkick murphies video which will be done very soon apart from the audio mess there. enjoyed 2 free days at newspapers, then one day with a new tour and really annoying incomplete tour book, if you dunno where to go you have to seek and it costs up to twice the time.
but the best and funniest thing is metalcamp. surfed the metalcamp festival website out of curiousity, and discovered only one video filmed by roax on it. a video mostly filmed by ME. now they have released none of the festivals footage to the public until now but mine? they called me a loser, refused to pay me any money, and now i'm their number one? anyone wanna recommend me a good lawyer or what? comedy gold. even if they convince the festival guys to take that video down again asap, they've shot themselves in the foot there, and i'm really happy about it after all that's happened in this case so far. regardless of it i've approached them in a diplomatic way saying that i'm okay with talking about things and will not autiomatically sue them, and can even imagine working with them again. with more competence and power than last time of course. maybe it scared them? not heard back yet. informed the festival organizer of this story today though, lets see what i can use the money for. there's a light at the end of every tunnel. i'm ready for peace, just like i'm ready for war. you choose. but right now i'm the player on stage, boy. and i fuckin rock, you couldnt have underlined that any better. thank you for that video.

15.02.2009
and parted ways with bernd today. a 15 month relationship broke up. there was more and more going wrong between us, conflicts stayed alive regardless of conversations, communication went nowhere. what can i say? i'm happy about it. i offered the fla dvd to clawfingers jocke and greg and glen reely, and glen, who was the soundman on the tour anyways, is gonna do it. should have asked him to do it 15 months ago. but like i noticed before, everything on this dvd has to go wrong at least once, so now everything has passed the first failure. 2 more months for audio mix and artwork, then the masters go out for good, and a milestone is hitting the surface of this earth. the prophecy is fulfilled.

13.02.2009
doin the job, 2 days of doin the newspaper thing and zero customer complaints so far, even though i havent done this for 5,5 years. will give me at least 100eur extra per month, to pay some bills from the shows recorded so far. one more claw vid jazzed, looks like they'll play woodstock again this year so maybe the berlin vid goes as bonus dvd to the next claw album and then i'll do a woodstock 2008+09 dvd? would that be soo bad?

10.02.2009
first half of the claw show done, done means i'll fix small stuff later but overall i've dejazzed everything. including the evil 'its your life' mess. doin the second half now, trashed one song entirely cause it was too bad to correct. rebuildt it in a day. where will i be at the end of the year? still doing music vids which wont make me rich, but with a few changes applied, like filming festivals for bigger pictures? getting a job somewhere in the video world? working as newspaper deliverant again? considering doing the newspaper thing for a sidejob one week a month...

04.02.2009
you are the perfect drug the perfect drug the perfect drug

02.02.2009
euro release is all cleared, negotiating the metropolis american release. this is no standard industry product. this will sell more than just 10% as many copies as a fla studio album sells. because this was approached like the last dvd on earth, or maybe rather the starting point and stepping stone of a career. programming clawfinger itsyourlife with the same fashion cause hopeless projects are the best.

30.01.2009
got the krupps13golem tape played out and converted. fixed more last errors in fla meraluna, metropolis want to see a new version of the dvd before they say ok to the america release. they have good reasons, cause the last advance i sent them was from early 2005 if i remember correctly. the band is okay with it apart from that. watched the bonus dvd again today and unlike my last memories it didnt suck that much. bought a 2gb ram card for the cam. and i'm bouncing around some huuuge plan for 2009. mmvd will take the next major level. this will be a full time job. unless i make way too much money and restart making music in the middle of it. everything's pro, everythings modern. life is fun like this.

26.01.2009
adding more smooth transitions to claw and fla, making them more complicated and unpredictable. apart from that my thoughts are pretty empty, the world is simple anyways, there is no complication, just simple people doing simple things. nothing's changed though, maybe after quitting the dope things just dont jump between frustration and normality anymore and are just normal all the time. but yeah, working speed is high, doing the job every day, and making new plans based on the fact that i get things done now. helmet didnt get done though, maybe there was no interest in getting berlin filmed, or maybe the management was into saving the artist from any sorta threatment, cause i also offered to just film them for free and youtube some tracks. well then, next time or never at all...

18.01.2009
and a good load of fever for a change, went over the 39 degrees mark yesterdays. its not been a standard depression, just fever deluxe. hearing the usual criticism afterwards didnt make it easier though. two ways to go, one would be to get rid of all the extra innovations and make a standard live video, the other is to do my thing and get reactions like this and ignore them effectively. jeez, i will end up doing it the way i do, cause its the only way that makes sense. but if you can choose between doing standard and being accepted, and doing your vision and being criticized, where dyou go if both ways suck? it really screams for going nowhere. problem is that its the same with all the other videos, with all the other possible jobs. so i'm steering towards failure in any way, but theres no realistic alternative to it. lets fail then.

14.01.2009
the scepticism is gettin bigger again. looks like i'm gettin on some peoples nerves, this hype is comin to an end. not breakin down over it, but hey i've said things i've just said before, saying them again doesnt make things better. not a complete waste of energy cause i nailed things better and admitted more dark parts hard to see, but it seems like wasting time with failures already archieved. and some people dont want to deal with me, better to accept it aint it? in some cases it makes sense to keep status quo, in some its better to push it further, so sometimes its in the middle of it...

13.01.2009
and the record deal is halfway thru, no adrian prob in sight anymore. what a day what a MASSIVE FUCKIN VICTORY, stroke of luck, i love bill leeb again. what the fuck is going right? took care of my fucked up washing machine and 24 hours later i got a new one booked. wrote a phalanx of emails and forum posts and got things straighter than obama. i mean i told my former friend what i thought about change, how i archieved change, and how she should learn from this idiot who passed the test he never would. now its clawfinger and while i had no mind to do much, the colours fit, its a battle. much conversation done, laid new ground, high five on the next of 11 great days in a row, i will never buy dope from the gangstas again and be a workaholic like mike portnoy now. let the depressions be history.

11.01.2009
very good. fighting to get the euro record deal signed by everyone. looking out for someone with a digibeta so i can get the krupps tape 13 played out cheaper than 100eur for having some pro transfer lab press play on a machine twice. had a really awesome private party at lord suicidators home, didnt have this much fun in ages really. had a brilliant week, life without dope is heaven since i quit, i feel like never going back, plus the hypothyreosis is off, this is a change in health better than the obama program. but depressions will return, even if its a lesser degree, maybe they will be back in time for the helmet show? got back on track with bernd, made a new agreement that finally seems fairer, with old irregularities corrected. last not least fucking around with the clawfinger jazz programming, its heavy as stone, its the whole mera luna jazz on another nearly uncorrected project. i wish i also had time to go ahead with dropkick, but half finished would be a failure, and i want to prove something to them badly. yes i can. oh, unbanned from the goth berlin forum, its still a warzone but i've learned a bit too. and the ladies, got some ideas, lets see which ones work out. jesus had days like this, things are really awesome like this.

07.01.2009
and returned to claw as promised. who knows, is this the good times i dreamt of, or just another uptime? regardless, i'm moving foward in a relaxed mood. oh, but ba-ton is really quitting. i'll live with that. i dont understand his unpragmatical attitude. i wanna do stuff, he wants to get paid for stuff. it was obvious and i tried to oversee it. many thinks in life malfunction like this, but sometimes the option to malfunction is standing still.

06.01.2009
is meraluna done now? at least i broke thru the last brightness correction session. looks like i got an exciting project up for june, working with fla sideproject left spine down for a european tour documentation and berlin live recording whatever. time to get some mo claw done now.

05.01.2009
quit the dope. its been too much and too frequently, and at this point of time i've gotten rid of a lot of other bs, so why keep that part going? i have a life to waste now while i didnt have too much of that earlier.
not gonna film helmet, at least not in a dvd way, but i#ll see the show and why not make a cool bootleg this time? but i was glad that even in this difficult situation it would've worked out if it had to. berlin just isnt the mega city for concerts.
and meraluna brightness corrections, 7 of 10 done, and then its time for claw, dropkick, and since the missing krupps tape just arrived it can also begin soon.

02.01.2009
http://shop.ebay.de/merchant/21stcj_W0QQ_nkwZQQ_armrsZ1QQ_fromZQQ_mdoZ
ebay sell out of old gear, 8 items up, more to come. need space + cash here.
a great day with another big update to ml. noise reduction applied to stage cameras, so brightness on both must be manually corrected, which is half done. i know its not true, but tomorrow would make a good day for crossing the line.

01.01.2009
and right in time i finished ml plasticity, so that thing is in the can. discovered one more longtime mistake, denoising the ml footage properly which means readjusting the brightness on the whole thing will be next. so one more surf thru the entire show and thats it. tested the hc9 cam by filming fireworks outside, quite a bit of noise in that, but the quality is vastly better. gets unsharp frequently, need to work with the manual focus.



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Last updated 2010-05-05 07:51:41 by: Henrik.